Dear Diary
by elisaday16
Summary: Addison's diary tells us about her life, her love and other things ...
1. Chapter 1

_AN: Not mine._

_This is a new story that popped into my head and I just needed to write it down. This Prologue is just there to let you decide if I should continue or not._

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Dear Diary,

Diary, we're having a crisis. A mental, weird and scary crisis. Ha. On second thought I don't think this crisis I'm talking about is only mental, it's quite physical too. Or what do you think? Is being pregnant more physical or mental?

Yours, Addison


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Diary,

It's Addison again. Eh. Sorry for flooding your pages, I just ... kind of lost control. Control, funny thing, right? Addison Montgomery-Shepherd and control doesn't work. Urgh, Shepherd. Another funny thing. I'm still Addison Montgomery-Shepherd although my dear husband is still screwing that mousy intern. And I'm pregnant with his baby. Nice going, Addi. Perhaps I should go to her, his intern, and ask her if she wants to have this baby. I would say ''Hey Dr. Grey, you wanna have this baby? It's the result of the first loveless sex Derek and I had since he found me with Mark.''

And then she would say ''Sure, your husband loves me anyway, so theoretically it should be mine.''

And I would say ''You can get it in nine months. You're right, my husband doesn't love me anyways.''

Why doesn't he love me?! Why?! I'm a nice person. I have a nice career. I have nice hair. And Mark once said I had nice boobs.

Mark.

That's another ... thing. Why the hell can't he get over it?! Derek, I mean. But Mark should get get over it too. He's imagining things between us that just aren't there! I'm married.

Married in the sense of loving, caring, making love, having children and having only eyes for each other? Definitely not. But we're pretty damn close to having children now. Bad thing.

Someone really must hate me! Ha. That was funny. _Everyone _hates me. I'm the mean secret wife from NY who destroyed the oh so perfect romance between my husband and Meredith Grey! Bad Addison! How dare I try to fix my marriage?! Ts, ts, ts. Bad Addi.

But back to the subject. Who ever said I wanted to have kids?

I may be a OB/GYN doctor but does that necessarily mean I have to really _want _ kids of my own?!

I don't care if I have to deliver a hundred babies on one single day but keep the babies away from my private life!

Ooooh, did I just say that? That was pretty cruel. I'm not heartless, you know. Give me a heart monitor and I'll prove it.

Diary, what am I going to do? I can't really have this baby now ... or can I?

It just doesn't fit to my lifestyle. Well, that sounded cruel again.

See. I. Am. Cruel.

But as far as I know, kids don't really are made for cruel mommies. They want nice and loving parents.

Parents. Haha. Ha. Me, the adulterous whore without a heart (like I said: heart monitor) and Derek Shepherd, the man who doesn't love his wife but his intern.

The kid is going to have a wonderful life. He.

I can hear Derek at the door. Not that he would notice me actually having a diary. I stuffed it into my underwear drawer, so it's for sure he will never find it. Eh. That's sad. Every normal man would rummage through my underwear drawer out of ... instinct ... but Derek? No.

He just entered and, lucky me, he even gave me a nod. A _nod_?!

Perhaps he'll greet his child with a nod too. Ha. Hmph, not funny.

Yours, frustated & pregnant Addison


	3. Chapter 3

_AN: Not mine._

_Thanks for reviewing! The last two diary entries were both from the 04.07.2004._

_I have no idea if this could be only the tiniest bit realistic ... so, enjoy!_

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Dear Diary, 04.08.2004

It's been a whole month now since I found out about _this thing_. And I haven't

told Derek yet. I know, I know- bad Addison. But can you blame me? Only two days after my last entry I found a pair of panties in the pocket of his lab coat. And before you ask, no, they're not mine. I know this with certainy since I was the one who tried them on. Eh. Gross. I couldn't even pull them over my tighs. Which is very frustrating. Not only do I know that the panties were Meredith's now, I also know that I've become far too fat to fit into hot looking panties. Even my own. So, I'm walking around with stretchy cotton underwear with pink stripes on them. And I seriously don't know how I lived without them all the years, they're just sooo comfortable!

But why would I want to wear anything sexy now?! Nobody wants me. Nobody likes me. And nobody knows about this kid growing inside of me. Except of me of course (and Mark ...).

The vomiting and getting fatter didn't even get a little attention from Derek. I wonder if he even noticed the fat wale lying next to him in bed. I didn't talk to him about the panties thing but I doubt he would want to deny it anyways. I mean, why not get rid of the fat wife as soon as possible?

Don't I deserve more, diary? Just a tiny bit love? A little caring?

He chose _me_! So why is he still screwing his intern?!

Damn it! He chose me! Then why the hell didn't he really choose _me_?!

Did that make any sense? Eh. Probably not. I'm just saying ... he chose me (that's what he said) but in his freakin' heart he still chose her!

Anyways ... did I tell you I got a call from Mark yesterday? Well, he called. Derek wasn't at home yet and I was having a really bad day (my husband didn't notice of course), so the dialogue went like this :

Mark: ''Hey Addi!''

FPM (Frustrated Pregnant Me): ''Shut up.''

Mark: ''I just wanted to see -''

FPM: ''I'm pregnant. Leave me alone.''

I hung up.

Now I see that telling Mark wasn't the brightest idea of mine. He'll probably be driving himself crazy about wondering if this child is his. But really, it's not. If it was I'd be five months pregnant now. And I do think I would've noticed earlier then.

So, ... I've decided to keep the baby.

An abortion would make me even crueler than I already am and I don't wear cotton panties with stripes for nothing, right?!

Well, I'll just go to sleep now. Maybe I'll even forget the fatness, forget the baby, forget that my husband is probably screwing his intern now, forget that the last two years actaually happened.

Yes, it's just a dream, Addi, just a very, very bad dream ...

Yours,

fat & lonely Addison


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Diary, 06.09.2004

Tell me: Why does everyone like -no, _love_ Meredith Grey? I mean, come on! She doesn't even have the tiniest bit of a curve! That woman is like a freakin' matchstick! God, what would I give to just light her ... . Bad addi. But, well, _perhaps_, men kinda like to throw her around like a feather or something while having sex ...

I'm like the opposite. If any man wanted to have sex with me now, he'd have to _roll_ me onto the nearest bed. That alone would take at least three men. But the sight of my pink cotton panties would put everyone to flight anyways. So, I'm not getting any. Probably never again. Hmph. Nice.

Did I tell you I was four months pregnant now? Well, I am. And ...

FREAKIN' NO ONE NOTICED !!!

Okay, Bailey did. And Karev. Why the hell did Karev? ...

But, seriously, I have this _huge _belly (well, not exactly _huge_ but definitely noticable) and my own husband doesn't notice his wife looking like a goddamn balloon! I. Tried. Everything.

I actually squeezed myself into an old négligé (I wasn't even able to _breathe_ ...) with nothing but a bra and panties (cotton, of course) under it and walked up and down (up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down, ...) in that shitty trailer-thing. And Derek sat on the bed, having full view of me in that thing. And, _surprise_, he didn't notice! But, apparently pregnancy also makes naive, so I freakin' sat next to him, my belly sticking out, like ... right into his face and what did he do? He? 'Is the bra new?'

Aaaaaahrggggg! Fine, he didn't notice the belly. _Again_. But, _the bra_, was a freakin' wedding gift he gave me on our honeymoon! ...

My face suddenly felt like ... stone or something and I kinda ... sorta ... lost it. Completely. Yep.

I screamed. I yelled. I shouted. Each one for about ... two hours. The neighbourhood would've called the police because of disturbance of the peace ... but as we don't have any neighbours but more like tons of earthworms burrowing themselves through our lovely earth, I was allowed to scream my lungs out! Hallelujah! He. He.

A small list of what I did that evening, just to give you a general idea :

I screamed/yelled/shouted.

I broke his fishing rod into two halfs. (Not a clue how ...)

I threw his '_The Pleasures of Fishing_' into that dirty lake on our land.

I threw a vase at him.

I threw a cup at him.

I threw a pot at him.

I threw several books at him.

I threw my fist at him.

And I broke his nose. (Pure fun ...)

I screeched as his nose cracked under my fist. (I blame it on the baby ...)

That's just about it. I really did throw a lot that evening. And my hand hurts like hell. IHis nose is way to hard. I doubt he'll report me to the police ...

It'd be pretty embarrassing. He'd say ''Hello, I want to report a crime.'' The police guy would say ''What is it?'' Derek would say ''Somebody broke my nose.'' The police guy would say ''What's the person's and your name?'' Then Derek would say ''I'm Derek Shepherd and the person's name is Addison Shepherd.'' Then the police guy would laugh his head off. So, I guess, I'm safe.

Do you know, I'm writing this from a hotel room? I moved there after ... the _nose incident_. It's quite nice. Really. No spiders and other bugs crawling up my legs.

Yours,

fatter, pregnant & criminal Addison


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Diary, 01.10.2004

So, I'm starting a new part of my life. The cruel & heartless Addison is so over. I'm friendly & honest ... from now on. Call me the peace in person. I can almost _feel_ the halo floating over my head. Isn't the world a wonderful thing? Oh, how ... _sweet_ ... that lovely pigeon just shit onto the outside of my hotel room window. I love animals. Such beautiful creatures.

And trees. Oh, those wonderful trees! I am one with the nature.

Hmph. That doesn't work. I like fur coats too much to _be one with the nature_. BUT I do intend to be honest from now on. Well, a little. White lies don't count.

Diary, you can be proud of me! Go, be proud! I'm worth being proud of! Because ...

I'm going to tell Derek about the baby. Ta-dah! He. He.

Okay, I'm not exactly going to _tell_ him. But he will know. If he checks his mail at his shitty trailer-thing.

See, I'm honest. Honest. Honest. Honest. Sooooooooo honest. Being honest freakin' sucks. Hmph.

Well, back to the subject. I wrote a letter. I was going to be all honest, friendly & tactful, so, it started like this:

_Hello Derek,_

_First of all, I'm really sorry I broke your nose and destroyed most of your stuff. I do understand that you probably hate me by now but I need to tell you something really important. Remember about five months ago when he had sex in the trailer? Something happened that night. You got me pregnant. Believe me, it wasn't my intention to get pregnant and I'm really sorry if I ruined it for you and Meredith Grey. I decided to keep the baby, besides I'm almost five months along now so there's no going back anyways. I don't expect anything from you but I already feel bad for not telling you earlier (even if I tried), so, I kind of had to tell you now. Better late than never, right? I wish for you to have a wonderful life (perhaps with Dr. Grey). I've made a decision to leave about next month and then you'll never see me again. Goodbye Derek._

_Yours,_

_Addison (Montgomery, I left the divorce papers in the trailer)_

But then I thought 'Why should I be nice to him?!'. So, ... I kinda wrote a new letter ... a _different_ letter:

_Hey asshole (yes, you, Derek),_

_You, damn ferryboat obsessed idiot! You got me freakin' pregnant! I'm five months pregnant, and because you were too busy screwing your dirty intern, you didn't notice! You bastard! The baby and I, we're leaving ... far, far away from you! I don't need you and the baby is better off without that cheating father anyways! I hope your Meredith will be thrilled to know you got me pregnant! Isn't it ironic? Me, the one you don't give a shit about, is pregnant with your baby! Amost too funny too laugh at! Let's hope the baby doesn't look like you, the poor thing! And don't think you can come crawling back now! It's over, it has been for the past years but now it's official. OVER! Maybe I'll be lucky one for once in my life and you and your slutty intern are driven over someday! Have a shitty life! Goodbye ass._

_Definitely not yours,_

_Addion (Montgomery, fuck you!)_

What do you think? Which one is the better one? I really can't decide ...

Yours,

fat, lonely, undecided & very pregnant Addison (Montgomery, goddamnit!)


	6. Chapter 6

Dear Diary,

I ... uhm ... chose the second letter. Yes. In trouble? Yes. Fat? Hell, yes.

Aaaaand Derek hates me. Really. I'm glad he didn't murder me on the spot. I entered the hospital the next day ... and there he was. No, correction: There _they_ were. The man who impregnated me and Mark. Standing there with their arms crossed over their chest, Derek a furious look on his face, Mark looking at me in surprise. In a way ... that said ''God, you're fat. You don't _have_ curves, you _are _the curve''. I know that myself, thank you very much. Bastard. So, I put on my best innocent look (I _do_ have one) and walked towards them. Hell, I was brave. The courage was literally bouncing off me. Yes. Then it kinda bounced ... away ...

And there I was. Pregnant. Fat. Scared. Fat. Fat. Fat. And scared. I'm still in some sort of shock, so I'll just write the _conversation_ down:

FFFPFFSM (Fat fat fat pregnant fat fat scared me): ''Good morning you two.''

Derek: ''You're pregnant.''

FFFPFFSM: ''No, I'm just hiding a basketball under my shirt.''

Derek: ''Funny doesn't suit you, Addison.''

Mark: ''You're -God, you're -''

FFFPFFSM: ''Pregnant, Mark, I'm pregnant.''

Mark: ''Whose ...?''

Derek: ''Mine.''

Mark: ''How would _you_ know?!''

FFFPFFSM: ''I .. uhm ... sent him a letter.''

Derek: ''A very nice letter.''

Mark: ''Why didn't I get a letter?!''

FFFPFFSM: ''Mark, why the hell would I sent _you_ a letter?''

Mark: ''You love me.''

FFFPFFSM: ''Noho, I so don't.''

Derek: ''So-''

FFFPFFSM: ''So, I'm guessing you want a divorce?''

Derek: ''No.''

FFFPFFSM: ''Well, you can keep the trailer of course ... wait, what? Did you just say No?!''

Derek: ''I did. I want to raise this child together with you.''

I'm still shocked. This is ... whoah. Way too much action. Way too much ... everything. My husbands DOESN'T want a divorce! That's freakin' unbe(freakin')lievable! Breathe, Addi, breathe.

Hmm. You think he'll want sex too? With me? Because ... I don't think cotton panties are that much of a turn-on. But he has his Meredith anyway. Dirty intern. Mousy ... bony ... thing.

Well, I gotta go. Derek wants to _talk_ to me. Hmph.

Yours,

fat, pregnant, non-lonely, married Addison.


End file.
